where to start?

Well. This is daunting isn't it?

My name is Ellie, and I only have 175lbs to lose. It seems like an impossible statement, but I'm choosing to try and see it as a "glass half full" situation. If you've ever met me, the number would probably knock you off your chair, but thanks to my height, my 6'0 or 6'1 (depending on which liquor store it appears I'm robbing) I am able to hide it well.

The way my new doctor said that to me, was gentle. Much gentler than I'd ever heard it said to me before. He's a wonderful man who's obviously been around this particular block before. I have too, I've just met the bitchy Dr's who don't really seem to truly understand my own particular struggle, and don't have much tact in telling people that news (as if I didn't know?). The past people I've met, aren't really that important. What is important is the people I'll be meeting on this next journey. That journey happens to be bariatric surgery.

I'm not a stranger to this process. I've nearly been through it 3 times before. The first, and most memorable happened about a decade ago when techniques were still new. My particular surgeon made the news, but not in the cutting-edge medical technology awesomeness you'd hope to hear about. He was on the news because he accidentally killed a patient. The details were gruesome, and it'll suffice to say, that I backed out right quick. The other two times I was brave enough to start the process, my artistic nature and youth got in the way of keeping consistent insurance. I'm 30 now, about to be 31 in 23 days and I'm looking forward to someday having children and keeping my health in tact. My age and the reality that surgery will happen is hitting me pretty hard, and as of the past week or so, my brain has been rattling around with lots of ideas, fears, and curiosities. What better way that to get it out of my mind and onto a forum where I can look back and never ever forget all of the things I was thinking, and what it really actually is like to live as a very large person. Should I ever actually be a smaller person, I'm afraid it will change me and make me forget. What if I slip and start getting heavy again? Reminders of all the things I'm thinking and feeling right now will hopefully serve as a strong reminder and maybe also help other big ladies who are going through the same thing I am.

I guess the best way to start a (oh lord, forgive me for using such dramatic phrasing) journey is to go back to the beginning.

I don't have grand ideas that this isn't my fault, or that I'm a victim of corporate fast food empires. I came from a big Polish family that, no pun intended, loved to get together and eat. I'm pretty positive that my grammy's sole goal in the world was to feed people. She made the most delicious Polish foods you could ever imagine. Pierogies, galumki, kielbasa, kapusta.. All deliciously amazing. My mom also had the same ideals. She would kill herself to make enough food to feed an army and she was always concerned that people would go hungry, so she'd make extra.  Everyday dinner eating was not always the healthiest either. As a kid, I was not a stranger to the happy meal, or to fried foods. My mom also really loved buffets. I have my suspicions that my former habit of emotional snacking fully came from my mom. She was mostly a single mom, my stepdad was great, but if we really get down to brass tacks.. my mom was it. My habits continued through middle school, high school and college, and really only started to change about 5 or 6 years ago when her health took a major decline and ultimately led to her death 3 years ago. He passing was an incredibly complex health story that really didn't involve the fact that she was a big lady, but towards the end of her life, it certainly did her no favors. I don't really know my dad that well, but he's also a pretty big guy.

I do believe that in some aspects, a person can be pre-disposed to gaining weight, but that choices also play a big part in the majority of how you end up.

About 5 or 6 years ago, I finally started to REALLY take notice that I was not heading down a healthy path. I started to read books and check out weight watchers, but truthfully, I do not have the attention span to figure out all of the rules that went along with that program. I met with a nutritionist, and was immediately turned off by her snobby demeanor. I took the general message to eat less and move more. Fast forward a few more years, I met another nutritionist named Hillary Wright. She really ultimately drove the right messages home, and I totally understood how my body was working (or wasn't, if you really look at the big picture). Since meeting her, I've overhauled the way I live and eat every day. While those changes were great, they just aren't helping the way they should, and so I'm going to move forward with surgery. Thankfully, The lessons and habits I've learned from Hillary are going to make all of the difference in the world between success and failure. It's much easier

That brings me to my main issue. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. My nemesis. The thing that fights me the hardest. Do some googles, and you'd find out that if you were a woman, this would be one of the most confusing and upsetting things to be diagnosed with. It also usually comes with an incredibly difficult thing to diagnose called insulin resistance. The basis of it, is that it's a complex hormonal disorder that makes your body all screwed up. Incredibly hard to have children and lose weight.

I will re-state though, what while I deal with this condition, I do take responsibility for the fact that most of my life, I have made very poor choices. Right... moving on.

I've been asked SO MANY TIMES.. "Why don't you just go to the gym?". I want to punch those people in the face and tell them to F&%$ OFF. I do go to the gym. I swim because it's low impact and makes your whole body move. I'm not talking swim like "dip my feet in the pool and doggie paddle around" or doing aqua aerobics with the senior citizens. I swim laps just like I did in high school when I was on the swim team (freshman and sophmore, that is). Not as fast, but just as persistently. I also ride my bike around town. The bike is a new development, but so far, I'm really loving it. In addition to all of that, I also hike, camp, and take public transportation. Further more even on top of that, I am a part time nanny to young, very active children. In short, I am not a sedentary person...



I have a lot of ideas and things to get off my chest before I actually go under the knife, but for now.. I'm feeling like I'm off to a good start. Plus, it's 2:51am and I am tired and I do not want to listen to my husband play any more video games tonight.

More to come..